Look at you, 12 months later. You are here today and now and I hope you are proud of yourself for that. The year might not have unfolded as you planned. You know how you order something and get something else when the package is delivered?
You could even swear that this has been your worst year yet or a great contender for that award. Some days might have felt like life was testing your elastic limit. You were stretched in and out, bent to different shapes and taken through all kinds of flames. People love to say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger but what are you to use all that strength for? I personally think strength as it is presented to us is a trap, perhaps it’s not our duty to try to be strong.
Maybe such moments just demand that we extend more grace to ourselves. That your worst days are in fact a test to just how kind you can be to yourself. If you asked me about self kindness I think I’d tell you it feels like allowing yourself ease. Not everyday coming to kill yourself or trying to prove to random people that you got your shit together. I think some of us take the phrase that “life is a movie” literally. We then start to act for the world stage, trying to fit into boxes and popular ideas, we force our success to look like that of people whose privilege we have no idea of. The other day I was telling someone that life would have been so much better if we understood that we are all on our journeys in life and that a destination for you could simply be someone else’s starting point. That what if we recognized that simply existing and staying a live in the middle of a pandemic that has literally taken everything is worth celebrating.
I really hate that you are so hard on yourself. That you are always comparing yourself to your age mates and random strangers on Beyoncé’s internet. I think when others win it should be an affirmation that it could be possible for us. One of my friends says true winning starts with us understanding we are deserving of good things too. Recognizing that we don’t have to reduce ourselves to be worthy, we don’t have to have life figured out to be worthy, we simply have to show up each day as our most authentic selves. Darling, I think you put too much pressure on yourself. For example notice how you failed to celebrate your wins simply because somethings didn’t go right. The trick, I think, is to allow yourself to live life in the present and to count good hours or good minutes as opposed to writing off a whole day as bad.
I can’t end this letter before talking about loss. I still recall how you said all this year has done is taken, taken and taken a little more. How you have lost loved ones, lost opportunities, ended friendships and relationships that mattered so much to you. When you spoke about how the cycle of grief never seems to end I recalled a tweet on how grief is all the love we want to give that now has no place to go. How our hearts still crave for the things that are gone, how you can no longer share your favorite memes or TikToks. I’ll just be honest and say it’s the Ghetto dot com. I don’t know if there’s a cure for grief but I know that with time we somehow learn to celebrate the privilege to have shared priceless moments with our loved ones. We realize that death robbed us – but at least when we could we loved and we loved them loud. I’m not the kind to share lessons from misfortune. I don’t think every grief or pain is meant to teach us. I believe lessons can come packaged as beautiful experiences and little joys. But if anything I’ve taken from this pandemic is to love and be present as much as I can. I really hope we reignite our sense of community and collective wellbeing in the new year.
As always – I digress. I can’t seem to have my head together lately- (one minute the mind is in Africa and the next it is in the Bahamas). It’s why I haven’t written much this year. I have had to muster the courage to say no more often even to things I’d always dreamt of doing because sometimes good things come at a bad time and they no longer feel as good as they should. Recall how you quit your dream job because you felt that it took so much from you and then beat yourself up over it? I still think you did the right thing. You prioritized your mental health and boundaries and that is something to be proud of.
For 2022 all I wish you is ease. That the year is kind and easy. That you extend grace and kindness to yourself every step of the way. That the things your heart seeks find you (serendipity). I pray that you will not lack in any good thing and that you will be able to discern when to stop and catch your breath.
I wish you well this new year.
Happy new year Bloggren. Consider this my random check in as the year ends. Also a sign that you have been on my mind a lot this year❤️
©Tales of a Curious mind